She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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