I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
