worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
