If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
