ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize