Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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