I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize