I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
