his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sorry about my life...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
