U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
