idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
