You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
