There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
