when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
