The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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