Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
