Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
