Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
