I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
