Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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