My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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