I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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