They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
