I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
