I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize