I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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