it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
