What a fucking waste of an outfit
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
