Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
