Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
