I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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