I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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