Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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