NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
