i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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