hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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