TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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