you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
if only i could text you this smell
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
