I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
