Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize