I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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