Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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