First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
