The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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