Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
