Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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