Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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