Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
