It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
