Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize