Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
