Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
