i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
