ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
