I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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