I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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