I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
