can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
