just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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