saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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